I'm looking for a literal translation that's as close to the original text as possible. I realize that there isn't a 'Definitive Original Version' from which all translations come, and it really doesn't matter to me when it was translated or by whom. I just want to be sure I pick one up that doesn't include modern colloquialisms, simplifications, omissions, or any other theologically driven choices designed for the sake of religious edification or accessibility.
Sorry if I'm over-thinking this and there aren't as many variations as I'm assuming. I just really have no idea how any two random bibles I find in a shop will differ from each other, or even if they will at all. Thanks!
Look. Your problem right now is one of translation theory. Translations, by necessity, must be intelligible to their audience and, as a result, will contain modern colloquialisms and things along those lines. An overly literal translation of Hebrew will be of little to no use to you. What you need is a translation that is at the same time tapping into good English while being transparent to the original language. The translation that comes closest to this, as far as I am concerned, is the New Revised Standard Edition (NRSV).
Aside from that, I'd encourage you to learn Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek.
I just want to be sure I pick one up that doesn't include modern colloquialisms, simplifications, omissions, or any other theologically driven choices designed for the sake of religious edification or accessibility.
Then you need to learn to read Aramaic, Koine Greek, and Hebrew. Latin will get you a once-removed option. For English? there is no such thing as what you're seeking.
That said, there are better choices than others. When I was studying theology seriously I used the New Revised Standard Version (usually simplified to NRSV) most of the time, unless I was forced to translate from the Greek. Bottom line is that all translations are burdened by choices in interpretation, voice, and editing; you want to be sure you know what the biases are in the edition you are using.
At one point years ago I had a collection of several dozen different translations, and put some effort into comparing them, primarily using the synoptic gospels, which were relatively easy to translate from Koine Greek (which I was never that good at doing). A semester's work (with a member of the Jesus Seminar, my undergraduate mentor) ultimately told me what you can read in two minutes from this web page summary.
For the Tanakh/Hebrew Bible/Old Testament, "The Jewish Study Bible" (http://www.amazon.com/The-Jewish-Study-Bible-Publication/dp/0195297512) has pretty fantastic analytical commentary. While I can't attest to the quality of the translation itself, the extensive discussion of the midrash and modern historical analyses may give you the sort of nuanced details that you're looking for.