There have occurred some scandalous events in my dear home city of Athens involving statue defacement, and the vile degenerates who claim to speak for the demos have convinced all that it is I who is the perpetrator that shall be tried for it. Yet, here I am, their most virtuous citizen, having lead a whole expedition to conquer land and wealth in Sicily for their honor! Rather than subject myself to their pathetic litigation, I have had no choice but to give myself over to the Spartans who, though relentlessly uncouth and hostile (except for that voluptuous Timaia, mmmmhmmm), have promised my protection if I agree to lead them in laying a devastating siege to my dear home and turn all their allies against them. Now, I love Athens more than anyone of those repugnant sophists they call politicians, but do they not have it coming to them for betraying a most elegant, most noble, and most loyal son such as I? And in the end can I not simply go back and say that in reality I was merely spying on the Spartans in order to help Athens conquer them in the end? Especially if I make a pit stop in Persia to win the favor of the satrap? When I prove to them of the Spartan plans for battle and that the satrap is waiting with baited breath to give us stockpiles of his wealth and arms, they will surely know that I am telling the truth and no doubt give me the heroes welcome we all know I deserve.
Why don't you just admit you got drunk and ran around the city breaking the cocks off all of the statues of Hermes? Seriously, everyone already knows you did it.
Now, I am both personally and professionally obliged to despise you, being an Athenian born and bred, and having benefited - unlike you, a member of the wealthy Alkmeonidai, whose high station was guaranteed at birth - from the opportunity offered by the democracy to get ahead on the basis of my personal merits alone. You are an enemy of the democracy, and enemy of the Athenian people, a traitor to every cause you ever served, and an enemy of the gods and their most sacred rites. You are everything that is wrong with the rich. You are what we Athenians tried to get rid of when we founded our glorious democracy!
However.
However, I know how easy it is to end up on the wrong side of the Athenians. We've all been there. We travel, and acquire personal ties with other peoples, and then our loyalties are divided, and we have to make tough choices. Man, I know how it is. /u/XenophonTheAthenian knows how it is.
So let me reassure you. When I chose to fight for my father-in-law, King Seuthes of Thrace, against the Athenians, there was a lot of bad blood; but they forgave me in the end. I refused to besiege Athenian settlements, and after the war, the Athenians took me back and gave me another command. And when I was slanderously accused by the idiot Chares, and taken to court together with Timotheos, I was acquitted by the Athenian people, and allowed to remain there in peace for the rest of my life.
Perhaps, then, there is good hope for you as well. Just please don't forget to help any Athenian forces you may find landing on the shores of your estate on the Chersonese.