Well we have had us A June haven’t we. I won’t list all the things that June wrought, because we all know what they are, and some of them are probably more personal to you and me, in addition to the big global things. But I was cleaning out my AskHistorians folder-->Eunuch subfolder and came across the draft for this ...thing... I wrote a while ago just for my own pleasure, I don’t know if other people write Mallory Ortberg-style fake thinkpieces for no reason but I do sometimes, and I polished it up to unleash onto you, FFFA readers, in the hope you get some amusement out of it, and perhaps in some sort of active meditation towards a more just, verdant, and peaceful July for all of us.

#Fictional Characters I Believe Are Faithfully and Enjoyably Read as Allegorical or Crypto-Eunuchs: An Inexhaustive List

Sometimes we receive breakthroughs in our research from the most unexpected places. We must remain open to the universe, for important historical insights can come from anywhere. Me, I keep a series of Google Alerts on important keywords, boldly set to “all results,” which educates me daily on the surprising popularity of a certain fantasy-fetish I am really not into, but also lets me eavesdrop on what people on the wider Internet are thinking about eunuchs. What does the Everyman think about eunuchs? I know what he is thinking. And out of kindness, I won’t tell you.

However, the Everyman is not all bad. I would like to share with you one alert I received a long time ago that has stuck with me. Unfortunately this question has since been deleted from the face of the internet, not even on Wayback Machine, but I have screenshot proof that once it existed, thanks to the generosity of gmail’s inbox space. I would tell you to brace yourself for one of the most penetrating questions ever posed in eunucholgy, but you can’t, nothing you have ever experienced will have prepared you for this.

Is Spongebob An Eunuch or Sponge Gender?

When I first saw that in my inbox, I let that question wash over me for a few breaths as the importance of what I was about to read dawned on me… and then I clicked it, and perused the scintillating discussion on that academic forum, which unfortunately you can not do. I eventually ignored all the other Sponge-learned opinions though, because it was too late, I had already seen everything: Spongebob is totally An Eunuch. And then I thought, certainly this is not limited only to Spongebob? Other literary works are no doubt teeming with secret eunuchs yet to be discovered. Since that moment, through hard research, I have discovered some more of them, and I will now share them with you.

I know we’re past prime homework season, but for next year when you kids need some stuff to steal, feel free to try any of these out in your theses for English class and let me know how it goes.

##Spongebob Squarepants

Evidence: While apparently adopting some sort of masculine social gender through overall dress and performance of heteronormative social rituals, he also displays some feminine traits such as long eyelashes, and has a high pitched voice. His exotic square body in contrast to his parents’ natural round bodies is evidence of something strange in his epigenetic makeup. In the meta canon, his original name, Spongeboy, gives indication that he is not a man, although he is clearly an adult in his social role (lives alone and has a job), and this seeming duplicity is understandable ONLY... as him being a eunuch.

Prime Moment of Eunuchitude: Bulletproof canon evidence of asexual reproduction

##The Doctor

Evidence: Repetitively picks up random British women and has torrid but chaste love affairs with them then drops them when he realizes he cannot fulfill their life needs, knows everything and everyone through forever, speaks many languages and is politically savvy, always looking into the distance pensively contemplating how he is the last of his line, lives long enough to outlive everyone he loves. Just so so obvious once you see it. I occasionally corner people and give them the unvarnished truth of The Doctor but they try to deny it.

Prime Moment of Eunuchitude: Hard to pick one because his eunuchness is so profound it pervades every episode. But when he places Rose Tyler in alternate universe with his sciencemagic human doppleganger created partially through asexual reproduction and they live happily ever after while he just looks on with Tennant-sadface... that is hardcore about being a eunuch.

##Data

Evidence: Constantly has to play second fiddle to “real humans” despite being superior because they consider him less than human, likes to make a big to-do about his functioning penis, reproduced asexually one time on a whim, in love with a dead woman he slept with once, really pale

Prime Moment of Eunuchitude: Obviously, Ep 2x09, where his humanity is put on trial (because that has historical antecedents), but a supplement would be Ep 4x25, where he has a short disastrous live-in relationship with a coworker because he tries and fails to dupe standard cultural masculinity

##Kirby

Evidence: Big fat pink guy, high boyish voice, his main power is absorbing the powers of others and turning it against them. You can question me on The Doctor with your limited minds but Kirby is just a fact.

Prime Moment of Eunuchitude: Every time some Kirby player sucks up powers, gets a ponytail, and kicks the stuffing out of my husband’s weak Fan Service Samus at SSB. Your hyper-sexual male-gaze femininity is no match for Kirby’s quiet eunuch powers. If played SSB I would main Kirby.

##Science Advisor in Civ V

Evidence: How come is it every society you play starts out with a Black guy in robes as a close advisor? Only one historical reason all these not-Black empires have a Black advisor, and it ain’t the EEOC. Renowned historians like the creators of Civ V wouldn’t put semiotics like this in the game if they hadn’t thought them out very carefully.

Prime Moment of Eunuchitude: His advice is astonishingly generic and poor, he is probably purposefully not helping me for his own reasons. Common stereotype of the corrupt Court Eunuch. Also if you play as the Ottoman Empire it would be waaay better if he were the sprite for all of the advisors.

##Jean Valjean

Evidence: this one is a little weaker compared to bulletproof ones like Kirby, but I think you can argue Valjean is an allegorical eunuch if you feel up to it, closest to the Byzantine view of eunuchs. A man with strong religious convictions constantly battling against the evil of false justice on Earth, no romantic relationships aside from a unhealthy unconsummated affair with an overly attached cop, an adopted child… At the very least you can make a good gay critlit read of him. I’m saying you should test your professor’s commitment to “the author is dead” with this one.

Prime Moment of Eunuchitude: Dragging a penniless college radical out of the sewers to make your virginal adopted daughter happy... is a compassionate and liberal understanding of upper-class marriage for the modern period, to say the least.

##Pete White and Billy Quizboy in the Venture Bros

Evidence: For Pete, Albinism is obviously a stand-in visible “otherness” for the true otherness of being a eunuch, he’s effeminate so everyone reads him as gay but he’s actually attracted to women. For Billy Quizboy, permanent mis-proportioned boy body with an old wrinkly face is not even a subtle visual metaphor. The pair make an interesting contrast in the manifestation of eunuchoid features.

Prime Moment of Eunuchitude: Pete: when he is revealed as the only character in VB who actually has a real doctorate. Billy: when he fixes Hank and Dean’s testicular torsion and hooks Hank up with “the complete package.”

##Bonus: A Eunuch who is Not A Eunuch: Hedwig of Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Do not make the mistake of reading this complex character simply as a eunuch because they have had their male genitalia removed. It can and should be part of the analysis, but not the entirety of it. A hint: castration is obviously a metaphor for the futility of the Cold War, and drag is an objective correlative for the farce that was the sexual awakening of the 60s. I could explain more but you should write your own papers and I already wrote three pages of this.

fin

What does this part of the song American Pie means?

And good 'ol boys, drinking whiskey and rye,

Singing, "this will be the day that I die"

American kamikaze?

I was hoping I could get some feedback from people about our first round of the book club before I make the next submissions topic on Sunday.

I return to extol the virtues of /r/EarlyModernEurope with this post for a grieving friend, The Entombment of Christ by Carrivagio. While depressing in subject, it does have a hopeful air for the viewer for we know Christ (according to Christianity) will rise again and thus, the sorrow of his friends and family here will be gone.

Is it possible that white supremacists are downvoting an answer because it doesn't blame the Jews?

I wrote on Christianity in Nazi Germany here and it has gone up in upvotes and then back down.

I am not super familiar with how the system works as I frequent no other subreddits. I also don't really care about the points, but I do hate to see work go unappreciated. :)

It's Canada Day and I find no Canadian history quizzes. I want to answer Canadian history trivia, damn it! It's only once a year, how much is that to ask?

Just wanted to say THANK YOU! The last few months I've been working my way through the podcast and it is fantastic!

Bit late for this, but has anyone ever looked into this blog? https://lilligroup.com/

Apparently one of the most useful sources out there for gauging the employment opportunities of each university, which university places the most PHDs, etc. As a Canadian looking for a graduate program, it seems clear to me that an American graduate degree is almost necessary if I want to pursue tenure in the United States, for example.