Land-based nuclear missile silos aren't hidden. They are centered around known military bases and are visible from satellites. (You can look them up on Wikipedia and Google Maps today.) Any technology that would let you know where they were based on being attacked by one, would be used to identify them.

The people who were in situations more like what you describe are people on submarines near enemy borders. So the crews of the US Regulus subs (which had relatively limited range — 225 nautical miles or so — and whose cruise missiles could not be fired while submerged) did believe that they'd get shot by defending fighter planes after sending off a missile or two, if they even got one off.

The people who worked in these situations generally expressed attitudes along the lines of: if we're given the order to launch, it means they've already launched at us and have targeted my own family. So I'm going to target them back.