During that legendary battle against Hannibal there were two Roman consuls in charge, Lucius Aemilius Paullus and Gaius Terentius Varro. As well known, Varro supposedly wanted to charge and did so on his day of command or perhaps as some would argue was just made a scapegoat in the aftermath. But that discussion aside, what I want to ask regards the final words of the wounded Paullus being offered a horse to escape.
"... Suffer me to breathe my last among my slaughtered soldiers, let me not have to defend myself again when I am no longer consul, or appear as the accuser of my colleague and protect my own innocence by throwing the guilt on another." (http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.02.0144%3Abook%3D22%3Achapter%3D49)
What exactly did he mean by that bit of not wanting to defend himself without the capacity of consul? A sort of executive privilege? HAH. Was it that he knew after such a devastating defeat a dictator would be elected and he would, if he came back alive, be made a scapegoat and stripped of his office lest he throws the guilt on someone else? Essentially was there a deeper meaning or just the realization that returning alive would bring even more shame whereas death was the only way to wash it off? And if it was indeed all Varro's fault in reality according to him, why not indeed act on that truth?
I guess what I'm trying to ask is, what did he mean with having to defend himself without the office and why did that prospect frighten him so much? Since he chose to employ these particular words.
Another sub-question also, what happened to Varro who had no such qualms about taking a horse and did escape Cannae alive?
These are almost certainly not Varro's words, but an invention of Livy. In any case the meaning is quote obvious, Varro is saying that he does not wish to be prosecuted once his term as consul expires. It was not uncommon in the case of perceived catastrophic magisterial or promagisterial failure to prosecute the responsible party--indeed, it was one way in which the senate, which could only legally advise magistrates and not order them, maintained a level of authority over magistrates. The English translation you're using is clear enough, but the Latin is even more so:
ne aut reus iterum e consulatu sim [aut] accusator collegae exsistam ut alieno crimine innocentiam meam protegam
let me not be a defendant again when I have laid down my consulship, nor let me become the accuser of my colleague to protect my innocence from another's crime.