Are you a male? Despite the popularity of the 13th Century Pope Joan myth I'm afraid that history has never seen a female pope.

Are you a Catholic? Whatever your true beliefs or even outward behaviour (we'll get to Alexander VI ) you will need to be a baptised and practicing Catholic.

Are you still here? Good, we're making progress on your path to St. Peter's throne!

Geography is important: The majority of popes since Peter have been Italians, but it isn't a total monopoly. Rome has hosted three African popes, the last of which reigned until the 490s. My own fair country of England also produced a pope, Adrian IV, in 1154. In fact, since the election of John Paul II an Italian has not reigned in the Vatican, so its an exciting time!

Keeping it in the family: The papacy isn't a hereditary title, but some surnames will work out better for you than others. The Medici produced three popes, just like the Orsini; several families had more than one member on the throne in St. Peter's. Even the Borgia, that by-word for sin and disgrace, twice ruled from the Vatican. So if your relatives are wealthy barons or influential power-brokers then that will help enormously.

Bide your time: Papal elections are held in irregular conclaves, not routine polls. If you are unlucky then you're hanging around Rome when a man like Pius IX is about; his three-decade-long marathon reign would dent your ambitions somewhat. Unless something tragic and accidental were to happen...we'll come to that.

Then again at least eight popes have failed to even see out their first month in charge. The most recent Year of Three Popes occurred in 1978 after the deaths of both Paul VI and John Paul I triggered the election of John Paul II.

Arrange for Sede Vacante: So, you're a Catholic man, good. Maybe even Italian, brilliant! Your family are powerful Roman nobles...but you just can't shift this guy. Kill him. A dozen popes are said to have been killed and these claims range from obvious fantasies to reliable murders. Steven VI and Benedict VI were both strangled, John VIII and Clement II were poisoned. This would be the break you need.

And there you go, you're now the pope - the figurehead of Christendom and God's envoy to Earth!

I know your question was a little tongue-in-cheek, I've answered it in a similar tone, but I do hope that you find anything you've learned above interesting and that it takes your interest further. If you would like recommendations for literature and further reading then I'd be happy to help!

Edit: Formatting.