Outstanding move asking this!

Your party would very likely be off the hook. Some of Rome’s wealthy had super laidback and discreet ceremonies, but most people of considerable (social) status and rep had extravagant cliché weddings. I am going to fully outline the expected, even stereotypical elements of a Roman wedding.

First, you have to plan the food. It was common to hire a caterer who would put together a menu for the guests. By the Late Republic, it was essentially necessary to have ten different menus for people with dietary needs. Vegetarian, gluten-free, vinegar-free, fish-free, and Scot free menus were designed to meet the needs of Pythagoreans, Stoics, and sycophants.

Wine was an essential part of any wedding, and was usually diluted with water. However it was common for close friends of the bride and groom to drink several small amounts of undiluted wine in quick succession, either at a pre-wedding “Baccalaurean party” or at an after party following the actual wedding. This practice was called drinking shots. It is unclear whether the custom of taking these out of tiny glasses shaped like ballistae came before or after this etymology. The significance of this term is made clear by an unattributed poem from 89 which describes the effects as such

The shots [are hitting] like arrows and misslies on a battlefield, I am now one more soldier trying not to fall, but Bacchus strikes me, causing me to stumble, weakly forward, as Patroclus when [struck by] Apollo on those fields at Ilion

The idea of struggling not to black out in the face of insurmountable odds was repeatedly paralleled with the battlefield experience. Because of this, Mars and Hercules were considered to be the patron of drunk members of the groom’s entourage, while Minerva was the protector of drunken bridesmaids and the deity invoked to ensure that no one threw up their own shoes.

Music was an essential part of any Roman gathering. Generally, musical performances were thought to be presided over by Mars, the god of war, and Cybele the goddess of bounty. It is unclear why Mars became a patron of music, but it may derive from the Etruscan custom of hosting a symbolic “Battle of the Bands” before actual battles. Professional musicians would have the term “Mars” added to their last name in honour of their conquest of the dance floor. The Latin singer Bruno is therefore known as Bruno Mars (the modern singer actually claims to have been inspired by learning about him in high school, and apparently named himself after the great poet).

Because of this, it was common to invoke the “MC” at parties, although a folk etymology of this common Latin term claims it is actually “Master of Ceremonies” (obviously false smh). After the deification of Julius Caesars and the Roman Emperors, it became fashionable for wedding-goers to invoke “Divus Julius” or simply “DJ” before hailing the musician. Hence, “DJ Sextus Moneyus” was saluted at the wedding of Augustus' son Jack.

Roman wedding music was actually more different from Greek wedding songs than you might think. Later Hellenistic and Roman authors stopped performing Homer and Sappho at straight weddings out of respect, although it is now clear to archaeologists that both authors were actually really OK with heterosexuals appropriating their work. Instead, Romans preferred to play energetic dance songs, and romantic sounding poems that actually had vaguely subversive lyrics.

After the Roman conquest of Britain, Brittonic folk songs became increasingly common at Roman weddings. This music revolution was dubbed the "British Invasion" by Cicero.

One song which became extraordinarily popular, about a woman who beseeches Roman women and men to “put a ring on it” if they “like it” was actually not originally about wedding rings. It referred to the Celt-Iberian process of domesticating cows, wherein you put a ring in their nose. This really underscores the importance of agriculture and animal husbandry to Roman fertility rites.

The guests included buddies and former friends-with-benefits of both the bride and groom, as well as people they studied with years before. The large weddings of the wealthy also included hundreds of relatives that no one even recognised. The difficulty in having to pretend to like insincere cousins and drunken aunts/uncles that they may have only met twice in their life was severe enough to inspire poetry. For example, Andius Niger (anglicised as Andy Black) wrote “We don’t have to dance” which includes the famous passage:

We don’t have to talk, we don’t have to dance, we don’t have to smile, we don't have to make friends, it's so nice to meet you, let's never meet again,

Sometimes, the bride and groom placed undue burdens on their guests. Setting rigid and oddly specific dress codes without offering to pay for the necessary tailoring, demanding large monetary gifts from all attendees, and coming up with elaborate dance routines were just a few ways for the couple to assert dominance over their peers. This led to some grumbling among potential guests, but it underscored the power of the couple's combined family, a good sign of their future prospects in the political arena.

The actual ceremony itself is less well attested. The bride and groom were expected to say some words and exchange rings, but this could be done before a civil magistrate, a priest, or even a ship’s captain like Captain Morgan who was said to be responsible for thousands of weddings. Generally, this was the shortest part of the actual wedding, and was boring enough that many guests felt the need to drink outside in the lot before showing up.

Weddings could be a lot of fun or a downer, depending on the temperament of the individuals. Some singles saw it as a way to get drunk and meet other equally uncommitted people, while others took the opportunity to reflect on the fact that all their friends were getting married while they still lived with their parents.

Many pretentious Roman families commissioned pictures of themselves which were then posted in public places like the Forum and marketplaces. It became customary to focus on the food and fashion of those present, as a way to show off wealth and status. Some wealthy individuals even had self-portraits (selfies in Vulgar Latin) done so they could show off their outfits. Other people could come along and leave comments on these artworks in the form of graffit. It even became customary to “like” good pictures by drawing a heart or an upwards arrow on them. Contrary to popular belief, the thumbs up did not become a symbol for “like” until it was coined by early Christians to reference heaven above.

These portraits, and the comments left around their edges, are one of the best sources of information on the Roman wedding.

#Sources:

A look at the traditional use of the Latin “DJ”, with consideration of the term MC edited by the Right Honourable Sir Dr. James Henry Baxter, Knight of the Royal American Society of Mirth, and Lord of the Dance.

The Roman Bridesmaid: From reception to afterparty by Miss Jackson

Food in the Roman World: How social media made it fashionable to eat cold meals by Joy Less

Rockin with the Romans by Juliet Simms PhD of party history, MD, MA, CBC, DAG, BET, AP

#Edit:

I guess the jig is up, yes this was an April Fool's joke and I hope that not too many of you ate the onion whole before seeing the replies.

Love you all, Happy April Fool's Day!

This is one of the funniest things I ever read