Hello! I am a well-established avant-garde multimedia artist with extensive classical music training. If you're familiar in that field, you'll know who John Cage is; I've collaborated with him in live sessions, for example. I have published books and directed cheeky avant-garde films, and am part of a particular avant-garde movement that has been very much in vogue in the last decade. As a result, I've moved around internationally, having moved from my home country to New York and now London.
Recently, at an art exhibition of my own work, I met J, who seems to be fascinated by avant-garde art, but is a prominent pop musician here in London. We hit it off and we are now an item. There is some awkwardness about this, because it turned out that J was married to C with a child, but that relationship has not been alive for some time, and he is now in the process of getting a divorce from her. We hope to marry soon.
Anyway, J is in a band with P, G, and R, and that's where the problems have started to arise. Recently, J invited me to be present at the recording sessions for their next music release. To some extent I think it makes sense; the music they have been making recently has been going in a relatively experimental direction, and the band is talking about solely using musique concrete techniques to create one of their new songs, something I have some experience in. J is a troubled individual who was raised by his aunt because his father was never present and his mother passed away when he was 13 (hit by a car). I think J has been unhappy with how things are going in his life for some time, and he has tried various drugs in the hope that it will ease his anxiety. While I'm sure he'd appreciate my input in the recording sessions, I think, really, that he most likes me being present in order to ease his anxiety.
However, when I turned up to the recording sessions, mostly quietly sitting there but occasionally making suggestions, it clearly made P, G and R uncomfortable - most notably so P. I think they do not like me. P is J's longest-standing creative collaborator, and they commonly collaborate on songs. P is also, seemingly, the person who is most devoted to the group, who is the one pushing them to do new things; I think J and G are a bit tired of it all, and R is relatively happy-go-lucky and just wants everyone to get along. P has written a song that, I think, is a rebuke to J for ignoring his son a little while he has been excited about his new relationship with me. I understand that maybe creatively the group has a delicate balance, and P believes that my presence gets in the way.
As a result, I've been present at the sessions but not really contributed much, despite my training and inclinations. Am I the asshole for being present at the sessions at my boyfriend's request?
Those guys FUCKING SUCK! The kind of lads who stab you in the back because they are too cowardly to tell if to your face.
Fuck it though. Long as I keep getting my royalty checks.
NTA
NTA.
Although it's always exciting to get involved in a significant other's hobbies and careers (especially if it's an area of mutual interest), they don't exist in a vacuum. Your BF's friends may very well be anxious that your presence is going to alter the group dynamic for the worse, that you'll try to override their creative inputs, or that worst case scenario you're actively trying to drive a wedge between them and your BF so you could have him all to yourself. I'm assuming that's not the case, but people can get awfully protective when it comes to creative passions.
The best way to get over this is to interact with the others in a setting outside of the recording sessions where you can all get to know each other. If they come around and realize that you don't have any ill intent in your presence at the sessions or your relationship as a whole, then hopefully they'll be more accepting of your presence, especially if they understand that it was also your BF's idea. How much he chooses to reveal about his reasons is ultimately his decision, but it sounds like he's been close with his friends for a while and they all probably know it.
It also sounds like there are some underlying tensions in the group that existed before you were there. These weren't your fault to begin with, but they aren't your problem to fix. Jumping right in and trying to play peacemaker might reinforce the others' negative image they seem to have of you as an interloper, which would just lead to permanent hostility. With regards to those, my advice is to sit back and let it take its course. If these tensions are what ultimately leads to your BF's friend group falling apart, then there's probably nothing you could have done anyway.
I am a well-established avant-garde multimedia artist with extensive classical music training. If you're familiar in that field...
YTA. Get over yourself.
NTA
But those boys have to have an adult talk with each other one day. These relationships usually run their course, never replaceable, and always have a glint of fondness that grows with age. I hope they find the courage to talk to each other and not scapegoat you.
YTA
Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. You may be well within your boyfriend’s boundary, but you are crossing each individual’s boundary in the band, and the collective boundary of the band. This is their creative space, not yours, and for the good of the future of rock music I wish you would just stay out of it and work on your own art while J is busy making beats with the band. This situation sounds very complex, and I’m sure tensions are coming from all sorts of directions. For you to be the scapegoat of their demise would be a tragedy. But at the same time, know you’re place, it’s not in that studio.
ESH (this is so great btw)
The boys should be able to tell you and J both, 'hey this is our band and our space to create and you should clear it with us before becoming a regular fixture here'.
J is being controlling of his bandmates by assuming they will be ok with this and not getting the band to sign off on it.
and you don't need to do and be everywhere J is just because you are in a relationship together. When you see that it's making the band awkward you should have given J the easy out by dropping out of the sessions. He can make his own music with you alone elsewhere whenever he wants.
NTA
Your pursuits are much more sophisticated and important than your hubby's boy band which will likely fade into history as a passing fad after their popularity wanes. Keep on doing what you're doing.
Are you advertising your book here?🤣 or do you usually dole out advice in your conversations? Or is this a creative exercise? Anyhow, Seems like your bf needs to have a talk with his band mates,maybe they don’t know he asked for your advice. Or they simply don’t want outside influences? Well, good luck! What would you advise someone in week three of self isolation? 🤪
NAH (Just miscommunication?)
NTA.
You said your boyfriend turned to drugs in order to ease his anxiety, which is concerning. If you being present at the recording sessions helps him, that sounds like a good thing. Do P, G, and R know about his drug problems? If yes, frankly it's irresponsible of them and especially of P to push J's involvement in the band without looking for ways to help him be less anxious about it. Your boyfriend's health is more important than his music. Has he considered a therapist?
That said, tension in the group likely isn't good for J either so not contributing much sounds like the smart choice, no matter your training. Maybe if J was more open about why he wants you there his friends would be more understanding.
NTA. But I think you should repost this on /r/relationship_advice There are hundreds of (armchair) specialists in relationships.
NTA. It sounds like your BF's approach has been a little Helter Skelter. He needs to make the band Come Together, and say Something, like, "We Can Work it Out," "And I Love Her." He'll get by With A Little Help from His Friends, and they can Get Back to recording.
NTA. They all don’t get the Fluxus spirit. When Maciunas brought John and you into the fold as he wanted the financial benefits of having a famous acolyte he realised that you were a team. And J learnt all about absurd Nero-dada art from you. You were just giving back during those sessions. Don’t listen to the haters. They are less talented than a dead rat on a stool ( which you once recorded).
ESH since J, G, P, and R seem to think they're bigger than Jesus and the music experiment here doesn't sound very ecclesiastical.
Also, don't worry don't worry don't worry don't worry don't worry don't worry don't worry don't worry don't worry don't worry (or as someone creative also said, "worry worry worry don't. worry don't. worry worry worry don't!")
YTA (and so is J) You are all glossing over the poor kid in this situation. It sounds like OP and J are too busy acting like dumb teenagers (all this band drama, demanding to spend 100% of their time together, etc...). J has a kid, it's time for him to grow up and be a dad.
OP, if you really do care about J, you should encourage him to be there for his son. And are you ready to be a step-mom? If not, maybe J isn't a good match for you.