You may think that I lack the gravity,
The sober and somber sincerity
Of our national wit-
But you have to admit
Vergil’s dead, so you’re stuck with me
Whatever you heard, last you saw her
I’m a stranger to your granddaughter
If she says otherwise,
I assure you she lies:
I’m a rogue, but never a plotter
My crime unwitnessed, the charge untrue
No period set to the sentence due-
Since I’m exiled
To the frosty wild
The asshole, Augustus, is you…
Outrage reduces me to prose. I am Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid, in your uncouth tongue), widely and quite justly famed as the author of the Metamorphoses and other deathless poems. Yet despite my status as a national treasure, the great and gaudy Augustus has banished me to the bitter edge of our not-quite-boundless Empire.
I can think of only two reasons why Augustus would deprive the Romans of their favorite and most gifted poet. First, artistic differences. Some years ago, I published the Art of Love, a winning satire on the mechanics of courtship. Perhaps our prudish princeps – ever a handmaid of conventional morality, and lately a font of laws prodding those otherwise inclined to wed – decided to look askance. Second, an…indiscretion. I shall not now be so unwise as to name it – our noble emperor, after all, is still perfectly capable of having me killed – but I can say that I saw something untoward. Did I witness wayward Julia with one of her paramours? Did I involve myself in a faction promoting this or that prospective heir's claims to the imperial title? Maybe neither, maybe both.
The case can summarized succinctly. Did I corrupt the morals of Rome? Hardly. They were engrossingly deplorable already. Did I indulge in a little light treason? Perhaps…but treason is such an ugly word. I have not granted you, dear readers, the wherewithal to know whether or wherefore I have erred. Yet in the forum you call the internet, as I understand, a want of evidence is no hindrance to impassioned judgement. So tell me, people of this strange republic reddit; tell me, o members of this select colloquy AskHistorians; tell me, with the grace of meter or in the ease of prose, AITA?
YTA
The Art of Love is a disgusting work of PORNOGRAPHY! You, Ovid, are corrupting the children and bastardizing the glory of Rome and our Emperor Augustus! You deserve to be transformed into a tree like half of the people in your damned poem!
P.S have any of you heard of that Germanicus guy? What a fantastic general!
-Sillius Soddus
NTA, for sure. Have you tried asking the legaladvice sub for help getting your exile lifted? The ghost of Cicero sometimes posts there. Hear he knows a bit about exile law.
INFO: Is it true that you are learning the language of the barbarians you live close to?
If so, YTA.
NTA
Augustus is clearly a prude, even though some of your stuff is spicy indeed. If you were, uh, indiscreet with his daughter, well, he's just a controlling father and this is a total overreaction. If you just witnessed something, even worse.
To me it seems clear that Augustus is clearly jealous of both your skills with the tongue and the word, so he had you removed from Rome to punish and silence you.
That being said, I read up on your case, and I've heard that the Senate of Rome is actually preparing a pardon which should come through any day now.
A poet you can't compare or
Love's indecent standard bearer-
Augustus sent you away,
So I guess it's YTA.
A high price to pay for carmen et error.
NTA, but dude. Check your attitude. "Vergil’s dead, so you’re stuck with me"??? NOT the way to make friends, just SAYING.
NTA for dropping that sick poem in the beginning
YTA. Your attitude is just awful. No wonder Augustus banished you. Virgil would have kept it clean for the children.
YTA. Romes Imperator viewed you as a deserving banishment so you must be an asshole. For how could he who is father to our nation, misjudge a person so harshly.
NTA Ars amatoria is hilarious. The Princeps have no sense of humor.
INFO
Why does Ovid sound like Chuck D?
YTA- Imagine some lowly scribbler thinking that he can understand the intricacies of statecraft.
Even if you didn't plot treason. The mere fact that such a well known individual could be implicated in such a plot is grounds for exile. The fact that you got to stay within the borders of his/my glorious Empire is a mercy in itself.
IMO You should maybe stop writing porn and pick up a legal text.
NTA there is nothing wrong about writing the torrid affairs of mortals in poetic verse.
As a Hellene i will say that whenever our dear Emperor banishes Roman philosophers and Poets it warms my heart,He clearly knows that the greatest poets and Philosophers that grace this world are from Hellas,I will also have to that while your poem is beautiful your morals are not given that you seduced a granddaugther of the Great Augustus and when facing charges you denied everything -YTA - Aegeus of boeotia
NAH. If Rome is full of three things, they are debauchery, conspiracy, and artichokes, and you know what they say about when you're in Rome...
YTA
If you're really in exile, Ovid, who did i see down at the taverna last night? Could this whole exile be a poetic persona for the sake of the narrative???
Quid futuere, iste?
ESH, and I mean everyone for there is not one among you that is without sin. The emperor is hypocritical for persecuting you, for he examineth the mote in your eye, but not the log in his own. As for yourself, repent of your sin of lust. My mother never had sex, and I turned out fine.