Hey all, so I’m in a real bind here, and I could use some help.

Essentially, it goes like this: I created this pan-Asiatic empire with my barehands, prying piece by piece the screaming, gnashing remnants of the stagnant old world loose from their fixtures and forging them into a new, unstoppable juggernaut. I’m very proud of this; it’s something I’ve really put my heart and soul into.

But I know I’m getting on in the years, and try as I may, there seems to be no getting around the inevitable: that one of these days I’m gonna kick the ol’ airag bucket and ascend to the Eternal Blue Sky. So, I get my sons together and we have a classic family sit-down over this very issue.

I should probably introduce my kids:

• The oldest, who I’ll call Joffrey*: He’s a quick fella, but a little mopey and down in the dumps all the time. I don’t think he likes me very much. Also his brothers make fun of him and call him a “bastard” all the time because of some gray-area with his mom back when we first got hitched. I love him like he’s my own, but his – erm questionable parentage has always seemed to hang in everyone’s craw – especially his.
• 2nd oldest is Chyswick*: He’s a real lunk. As dumb as he is hard-headed, and loves nothing more than his “wives.” Oh man, does he love making girls into his “wives.”
• 3rd is Oberyn* - He’s a real party-animal… a little too much, if you ask me, but everyone seems to like the guy. Gets a little stabby if he gets too much into his cups (which is basically always), but otherwise I like the fact that he’s not so obsessed with money… seems to not care about it at all, really!
• Last (but not least) is Tommen*: a real chip off the ol’ block! His father’s son, no doubt about it! Some people even think he’s got magic powers! He’s as fierce as he is whip-smart!
  *names changed to protect their identities

Anyways, so I get them all together thinking this is gonna be a nice, quiet family dinner and chat, and we’ll all agree about who should get to rule my empire after I’m gone. Having them all agree is very important to me. Well, long story short… things descend quickly into a real fustercluck. Joffrey starts by saying he’s the oldest, but Chyswick starts insulting Joffrey the moment he says anything, calling him a bastard and not my son. I tell Chyswick I’ve had about enough of him and to shut it.

So I figure it can’t really be either of them – they’re my 2 oldest, but if I give them empire to either of them, the other one’s definitely gonna rebel before my body’s even cold!

My second thought is to give it to my youngest, Tommen, since he’s such a spitting-image of his old man. Usually this wouldn’t be a big deal, since it’s sort of a family tradition to have the youngest inherit everything… but there’s something nagging at the back of my mind. See – I grew up all piss-and-vinegar, a real spitfire… crushing my enemies, seeing them driven before me, and hearing the lamentations of their women – I was all about that life! But as I’ve gotten older and a bit wiser, I’ve come to realize that there might be more to life than just blood and vengeance… I’ve really started to view this whole empire-building project as my “nest egg” and I really want it to work out, longterm. But when I look at Tommen, I see all fire and fury, and no real managerial skillset. He’d be fantastic in Mergers & Acquisitions, but he’s not really CEO material, y’know what I’m saying?

So finally I come to the conclusion that the only real choice is Oberyn – my drunkard third-born. He’s a fine enough choice… no one really hates him. And Tommen loves the guy more than life itself, seems like. But I don’t want to leave all my other boys out in the cold… and now we get to the real crux of my problem.

I kinda sorta divided up my empire into 4 pieces among them, in order to make them all happy. If you’re a parent, you know what I’m talking about. Sometimes the only way to get your boys to stop trying to poke and/or assassinate each other is to put a line down the middle of the room and tell them that they each get a side, and cannot cross the duct-tape. Joffrey got the Far West, Chyswick got the south, Tommen got the east… and Oberyn got the Big Chair and the central imperial demesne. Seems fair to me.

But since then, it’s got me wondering… did I really solve the problem, or just maybe kick the can down the road by a couple of decades? All the boys promise to be loyal to Oberyn after me… but what about their kids? And their kids’ kids? Will they value the unity of my creation as much as I do? Have I made a mistake? Am I just avoiding pulling off the band-aid right now because it’s easier, but leaving a much more difficult thing for the future generations I’ll never have to meet? Am I the Asshole?