Greetings, my name is Birger, King of Swedes, Geats and Finns. My last name? We don't have those. I am Birger, son of Magnus the Barn-locker, who was son of Birger the Jarl. You may know grandpa for his founding of Stockholm and completing the conquest of the lands of the Finns and Karelians. As my father died when I was a child, the country was ruled by Marsk Torkel. Torkel went on a crusade against the Novgorod and their Karelian allies, and founded the castle at Viborg in Karelia and another at the mouth of the Neva river (which seems like a good, strategic spot). This will no doubt keep our eastern border secure in perpetuty against the Russians. Torkel even convinced the Hanseatics to stop trading with them.

In the west, our peace was secured when I married the daughter Margrete of the Danish king Erik back in 1298. Erik, or "the Clipper" as they called him once ravaged our lands and financed it by devauating his currency by clipping the edges off coins. Even the Danes thought he sucked so much they murdered him. So now there is peace and I get along swimmingly with Margarete (I call her Märta). Likewise the new Danish king Erik, who they call "Menved", married my lovely sister Ingeborg. We're great bros and our alliance will surely keep our kingdoms at peace forever.

So all would be good and well, if it hadn't been for my greedy younger brothers: Erik and Valdemar. Erik's the older and the ringleader of the two. Valdemar and everyone else just seem to follow his lead in everything. I've never known why he's not shown greater loyalty to me, his king and elder brother. As brothers of the king, they were given their due - if not more than their due. When I was made heir to the throne, Erik was made duke of Södermanland. Later, we set Erik up to be betrothed to the four year-old princess of Norway, setting him up to become future king there (as the Norwegians don't elect their kings), and Valdemar was at the same time made duke of Finland and was betrothed to Torkel's daughter.

They - particularly Erik - refused to accede to this order though. They kept making their own contacts abroad and tried to form their own alliances. They showed up - uninvited! - at court to make demands and were just a general pain in my ass. But being pain became straight-up treason when Erik demanded his Norwegian king-in-law give him a fiefdom and managed to get himself Bohuslän just west of Sweden. Then he expanded into Halland, the neighboring northernmost Danish province, which was unstable because of raids by the outlaw nobleman Marsk Stig. Who'd formed a pirate base on the island of Hjelm after being banished for his role in assassinating The Clipper.

So (refer to a map) that asshole Erik started carving out his own sovereign kingdom right where our three kingdoms meet, which if anyone should have it ought to be Swedish west coast. Well I certainly wasn't going to give him any help with that. What else was there to do but strip him and his brother of their duchies? Well he didn't respond well to that, and began doing what he and Valdemar were probably plotting to do anyway - making incursions into west Sweden; Västergötland and Dalslands with troops, leading to some minor battles. Well I sent out Marsk Torkel to deal with this and he managed to broker a peace treaty.

That was in 1305. I gave them a fair deal; he got his duchy in Sweden back but had to promise not to get involved in foreign matters, or show up at court uninvited, and the Danes and Norwegians had to agree not to shelter them if they started acting up again. They swore fealty to me, their king, and acknowledge my son as heir to the throne. After that I also got Torkel out of the way, because reasons, which also helped Valdemar get the divorce he wanted. So I figure we're all good now.

Well guess what happens a year and a half later? They show up at my estate Håtuna on Michaelmas eve, just before dinner time. So I invite them in, order the staff to cook up a banquet for them. Have their clothes and stuff brought up to the rooms and stuff. But meanwhile, their folks were getting armed, and went to attack! They attacked me in my own home, after I'd shown them hospitality! Needless to say it was pandemonium, and with the element of surprise on Erik and Valdemar's side, they took me captive. At least a young sven called Arvid the Smålander managed to escape with my son, the crown prince. He was spirited off to safety with his aunt in the court of Denmark.

So they took my on a boat down to Stockholm. But the Stockholmers being good, loyal people didn't want to have anything to do with the 'Håtuna game' as they began to call it, and did not let them enter. So they continued to Nyköping castle. I was put into prison. For two years I held out before acceding to their demands, while Erik ran the country. He wasn't just content on Norway but wanted all of Sweden too.

Ultimately I acceded, and gave him what he wanted and he let me go. Thank god my homeboy Erik Menved wasn't putting up with this. I immediately went off to him in Denmark and he went to war against Erik's forces in the west, in Västergötland. Valdemar responded by raiding the Danes in Scania, but went about this so poorly that even the Norwegians turned against Erik and Valdemar. In the peace treaty that resulted, west Sweden was now Erik's, Finland was still held by Valdemar. I got my throne back but was left with a rump kingdom of West Sweden (but not Stockholm) and Gotland and the outmost eastern province of Viborg - as Valdemar neither could nor wanted to hold Finland against the Russians on his own. Unfortunately Erik Menved has his own issues with the Germans to deal with.

So I played nice. I bided my time, frankly. For ten years I'd been waiting but I couldn't wait forever; obviously Erik was planning on taking what remained of my kingdom once things had settled down, once his wife had delivered Norway to him. Valdemar - ever the imitator of his brother - had gone and re-married a Norwegian princess of his own. Meanwhile, Märta decided to help me with my plans. I remained in Nyköping, although not in the dungeon, now that Stockholm was no longer mine. So when Valdemar dropped by on his way north to meet Erik, I thought it was time. I invited him and gave him a warm welcome, as did Märta, who'd never seemed happier. I admit, I lied. I said by-gones-should be by-gones and that, being that it was November he should come down with Erik for a Christmas party. Once he arrived in Stockholm, he convinced Erik to come down. They did, and they brought their retainers with them. For the sake of their comfort though, we had found lodings for them around town rather than in the castle. The party went on late into the night, and we saw to that the men who were there, did get properly drunken, as did the dukes.

As they and their men lay drunk and passed out in their beds in the castle, the room doors swung open as an entire company of crossbowmen lead by my drots Johan "Bruke" von Brunkow, took them captive. I was not entirely sober myself but they say that I came down the stairs afterwards and said "Remember ye anything of the Håtuna game? I remember it full well! This shalt not be better!" I had them thrown into the deepest dungeon of the keep and at the break of dawn, Brunke's guys rounded up their troops from around town.

I won! Justice had been done! Yet there were traitors out there who remained loyal to Erik and Valdemar. I couldn't believe it. I wasn't welcomed in Stockholm and my troops failed to take the city. Within a few months they'd laid siege to Nyköping! They say I threw the dungeon key out into the river before fleeing the castle, but I don't really know where I put it. Anyway, point is the dukes starved to death in their cell some months ago and I made my way south to Stegeborg castle, where I'm under siege. Brunke's going to try to break through. He's got my son Magnus with him. is now Menved can't save me, he's busy with his own domestic issues and those horrible Hanseatics. But at least I'm always welcome there, should I need to escape.

So, Reddit. As I sit here in the tower at Stegeborg, I wonder: Am I the Asshole? These guys owed fealty to me, they swore their loyalty to me. While I may have violated the codes of hospitality, they were surely the first to do so! Why are so many people taking my brother's sides!? Erik was never king! I am king!