Hello.
Yes, thank you.
My fellow Redditors…

It’s been a rough couple of decades. I mean, three assassination attempts?! Totally, totally unfair! Very, very, completely unfair, loser assassination attempts!

So anyways, I’ve been unifying my country in a tremendous fashion – just like my Dad, and his Dad, and his Dad before that… only I’m doing it WAY bigger an better than any of them. You can’t even believe just how incredibly big my unification is, folks! Believe me. See, I got this good idea that everyone should follow the same set of super-strict laws, and we’d reward the good and, well, as for the bad… kill them and everyone they’d ever known. It’s a tremendous, tremendous set of laws that I call: “Legalism.” You ever heard of that? “Legalism.” Not many people have heard of it. No one’s done it like this, people, believe me.

And it totally worked! Huge success! My state went from being broken, failed state with no ammunition, to biggest army and the most wins of all the states! It’s incredible. Who could believe it? No one! But I believed it, and here we are – huge winning! The other loser states even tried to get in together against me, but my army was so strong we beat them all at the same time – it’s historic, incredible!

Well, here I am – job done! I’m not the King anymore – now I’m the Divine Thearch! The Emperor, and will be for a long, Long time to come!

And I’m just as committed now to unifying everything about my new empire as I’ve ever been. The weights, the measures, the money, the writing, the spoken language – we’ve gotta make everyone understand each other! How else can one run a country??

And everyone should be saying “Oh, thank you, Emperor! Thank you!” But are they? No! And am I upset?? Maybe – a little. Not really… but a little. You know what I’m saying.

So, here’s my problem. There are some real HATERS and LOSERS who have just been whining this entire time about how what I’m doing is “bad” and how my punishments are “way too strong” and “don’t at all fit the scope of the crime committed.” They apparently one of the Hundred Schools of Thought of the past era, founded by some loser name “Kong.” Who’s ever heard of this guy? I’ve never heard of him? “Kong Zi?” “Confucius?” What kind of weirdo, loser name is that? Not a winner name like Qin Shi Huang, that’s for sure!

But all these Haters and Doubters, spurned on by the completely an totally Fake Historical Annals, are saying that I’m somehow - somehow - wrong for burying my enemies alive – like the Confucians, like the Yin-Yangers, like the Mohists… all those loser schools who won’t y’know, just be cool! Just get with the program! They wanna play rough? Well I’ll play rough, ya get me?

But that’s not all, folks! That’s not all! Because apparently not it’s “not PC” to destroy by fire all of the books that I don’t like! And I say: Who even needs books?! I hardly ever read books – books are for nerds! Put 'em in the fire! Except for the ones that make me look good... or the ones I can color in. Those ones are... pretty great.

Anyways, not even really sure why I posted here. I’m obviously right, and correct, and the Fake, Fake, Very Fake Biased News Annals and sore, castrated losers like Sima Qian have absolutely no idea what real journalism is. It’s all a Hit Job, folks. I absolutely am NTA. I don't take any responsibility at all.

Now, if you’ll, excuse me, my alchemists tell me my new regimen of fulminating mercury is ready to drink…

Thank you.
Heaven bless you.
and Heaven bless the Qin Empire
May I reign for 10,000 years.
Make China Great Again!
Keep Qin Great!