So this has been going on for a few years, but it finally came to a head this week. I feel like I need to give some context, ‘cause I’m at my wits end. To tell this story properly, I feel like some distance should be achieved, and so it shall be written in the third person. The names are clearly not indicative of anything, of course.

So Gaius (me, was 50M, follow, like, and subscribe on social media xoxo) - a very attractive and clever politician - was on the brink of glory about a decade back, but he, truth be told, was too poor to make effective use of his genius. And like so many fellow Romans, he was unable to go it alone, so he made an alliance with two other men (Gnaeus and Marcus). Gaius was a peacemaker - another hallmark of his brilliance - and so, despite the fact that his new co-workers really couldn’t stand each other, he alone was able to hold the three of them together. The Roman people, recognizing him for his talent, chose to elect him as consul, and he was acclaimed by everyone (except for his slanderous rivals). He was able to subdue them with the force of his will - or, in one case, by seducing the man’s sister (Porcius, 32M at the time). Completely unrelated, they just hit it off. Porcius continued his efforts to be a thorn in the side of Gaius for some unknown reason, and that brings us to the matter at hand.

See, Porcius managed to turn Gnaeus - who even married Gaius’ daughter! - against him while Gaius was defending the borders and dignity of the People of Rome from the wild barbarians of the north. Gnaeus ordered Gaius’ arrest and refused to let him run for office from outside Rome! It would be bending a rule, yes, but that had happened in the past and everyone involved has bent plenty of rules before. Gaius hadn’t done anything to deserve this - it was all fake. All political attacks. All an injustice by smaller and more jealous men. The arrest was for “abusing the power of the consulship” and “carrying on an illegal war” and “flagrantly ignoring campaign finance laws.” For context, everyone does these things, and Gaius had done them purely with the interests of the People of Rome at heart. He truly loved (loves) Rome and deeply desires to protect her and her freedom.

So Reddit, as to the people in the Forum, you have been approached for judgement. Is it so terrible that Gaius (me, 55M now, DM me on my social media and we’ll see where things go from there ;) ) chose to stand up to Gnaeus? Is it not right that Gaius should object, calling for a fair and just account by the Roman people? And since the only way to approach the city of Rome without being accosted was to have some backup, was Gaius not justified in seeing to his own safety? Especially since everything turned out alright in the end for the People of Rome.

Anyway, I, before my glorious campaign against the Parthians, will be assembling the Senate in the Theatre of Pompey tomorrow morning, on the Ides, to establish a sweeping set of legislation that will bring justice and prosperity to all the People of Rome. I do this for you, to ensure that you have all the rights and liberties that you deserve as citizens, with full humility in my heart. Everything I have ever done has been for you, even the ones I haven’t slept with every single one of you. So why is everyone calling me the asshole?