I am Lucius Aelius Aurelius Commodus, son of the deified Marcus, master of the civilized world, Emperor of Rome.
You would do well to consider me a god.
Recently, under circumstances that I feel no particular inclination to share, I encountered this movie you call “Gladiator.”
I was not entertained.
To the baser elements of the mob, I suppose, it might seem watchable. The opening battle is impressive enough, as are the scenes set in the city of Rome (though half the buildings are out of place). Despite glaring inaccuracies, the gladiatorial combats are creative and exciting. The music is evocative, if you like that sort of thing.
But all of this vanishes beside the grossly slanderous portrait of myself.
Who is Joaquin Phoenix? Who is this sickly imposter, this devious incompetent, this commoner who dares to assume my name? What has he to do with me? Where in him is the glory of Commodus? Where is the commanding eye, the Herculean figure, the leonine hair, the luxuriant beard?
Phoenix, I grant, has a certain degree of flair (I have ordered my artificers to copy that fetching white armor he wears in the final battle with Maximus). He has a measure of my godlike skill in the gladiatorial arts, exhibits a seemly zest for the games, and is justly disdainful of all things senatorial. In every other respect, however, his false Commodus is an abomination!
I shall focus on the most egregious errors.
I did not kill the deified Marcus. My father never dreamt of giving power to the Senate, and made me his co-emperor long before his death. I gained nothing from his passing.
Although Phoenix manages to convey my loathing of the Senate – I rather liked the scene where he plays with his sword while the senators natter on about drainage – he is far too gentle with them. Nothing forestalls sedition like a timely execution or two. Much though I might like to, however, I have never attempted to disband the senate entirely. Even senators have their uses.
I have no inappropriate urges toward my sisters (I killed Lucilla, of course, but that was nothing personal). The vicious rumors to the contrary should not be countenanced.
Last but certainly not least, I have never heard of any general-turned-gladiator named Maximus. Who is this Maximus? Who is this unlikely hero, unstoppable in the arena, beloved by my traitorous sister Lucilla, empowered to establish the Senate – the Senate! – in control of Rome? He is nobody! He is nothing! He never existed!
Every time “Maximus” – portrayed by a surly provincial named Russell Crowe – appeared on screen, my blood began to boil. The final fight was worst of all. I have never cheated in the arena. I have never needed to. To suggest otherwise is defamation of the basest order. And to show Commodus, Emperor of Rome, being slain in arena!
Ridley Scott is an impertinent wretch.
I find myself angrier than a god should be. I shall shoot ostriches until I regain my composure. Once I have recovered myself, I shall return to carousing with my companions, to dazzling displays of martial prowess, to entirely platonic relations with my sisters, and to quiet contemplation of my ineffable majesty. I shall never again trouble myself with “Gladiator.” Nor will any of my subjects, if they know what’s good for them…
We rarely see ourselves as others see us.
Could be worse. At lease they didn’t have you dying in a some embarrassing way, like being strangled in bath.
Much better to die in glorious combat before the people of Rome, even if this Senatorial propaganda film makes you villain.
THESE ROMANS ARE CRAZY!! EVERYONE KNOWS A GOOD GUESSING-GAME IS MORE ENTERTAINING THAN GLADIATORIAL COMBAT!! EVEN CAIUS FATOUS, THOUGH HE REFUSES TO ADMIT IT, BY TOUTATIS!!!
VAE DVLCICVLE HAEC IRA VEXILLVM EST RVBRVM PVDOR SIT SI PRAEFECTVS TE RESCISSVRVS SIT
^(it's not that it's been 15 years since my last latin class it's v authentically barbarian latin ok)
Fret not, Imperator. Sit back, relax, drink some Falernian and perhaps watch an old classic play by Plautus. He's always good for a chuckle. I'm sure posterity will eventually remember you more accurately...
I hear you, and I want you to know, that I hear the pain.
Ave Imperator! Would the glorious Emperor happen to have as well witnessed the travesty that is Netflix's 'The Roman Empire' series, in particular its first season?
If I may, as mortal, pose a question as if I could ask a great emperor like you anything:
How do you feel about a cabinet of drawers is named after you, and not having a great dragon of the south pacific named after you, even though it sounds like that?
It's rough times having people act like you've got a boner for your sister. I know that feel bro.
Ave Caesar! I hail from Terra Americum, a prosperous empire beyond the western seas. I am a representative of a famed and respected gladiatorial guild, known as WWE. Would your divine persona enjoy participating in our glorious performances?
AVE, O OPTIMVS CAESAR MAXIMVS.
QVOMODO ESTIMAS BELLVM GLADIATORICVM GERERE OPORTERE, VBI IMPERATOR CAESARQVE ES? NONNE PVDOR MAGNVS EST DARE OPERAM PLEBIS, MINIME, MINVS PLEBIS, OPERAM SERVI VBI FILIVS DEI ET IMPERATOR POPVLI ROMANI ES. ESTIMARE BENE BELLVM GLADIATORICVM PHOENICIS (NOMEN MALUM NAM NOMEN ANTIQVORUM INIMICORVM CARTHAGINIVM EST) PVDOR MAGNUS ANTE PATREM DEVM TVVM. ORO NON CONTINVERE TE HAS FACTAS, CAVSA ROMAE ET POPVLI ROMANI.
Semper salvus sis, o patriae pater gnateque divo!
Muliebri, te precor atque obsecro, infirmitati meae permittas de immortalibus patris dictis, cui mentis familiaritate nemo mortalium intimius coniunctus te, perpauca exquirere. Qui quidem - ni fallor - fatus esse fertur τὸ ἀντιπράσσειν ἀλλήλοις παρὰ φύσιν εἶναι · ἀντιπρακτικὸν δὲ τὸ ἀγανακτεῖν καὶ ἀποστρέφεσθαι. Lubetne benignitati tuae (ne quis rudis rerum atque ignarus te fortasse ἀγανακτησάμενον putet) disserere, qua ratione patria haec sententia ad verba, quae magnifica honestaque in istam pelliculam feceris, pertineat? Fama sapientiae ac indulgentiae tuae per omnes terras nec non ad sidera feretur.
Di te tueantur et rei publicae omnibus rebus provideant.
This reminds me of an essay I wrote (very long ago) for my German language home-work. Here is a translation into English:
IN VINO VERITAS.
Nowadays my name is Manolo, but in the past everyone knew me as Augustus.
In one of my many lives my name was Octavianus and my first name Gaius.
This time I was born on 23 September 690 A.U.C (Ad Urbe Condita), when
Cicero and Gaius Antonius were consuls.
My fatherland was Rome, the head of the world, and my mother tongue was
Latin, a very logical language much better than this horrible language
I have to use now.
My relatives were very illustrious. My paternal grandfather fought as a
colonel below Aemilius Papus in the tenth Punic War (548 A.U.C). My
maternal grandmother was called Julia (who was married to Marcus Atius
Balbus) and was Julius Caesar's sister.
I was named after my father. Gaius Octavianus married Ancharia and they
had a daughter, my sister the old Claudia. Later my father married my
mother Atia and she gave him two children: my sister young Claudia and
me. My father became prefect of Macedonia and was very popular there
because he was quite honest. Unfortunately, when he was back in Rome and
could become a senator, he died.
I still had a father. I was accepted by Julius Caesar and after his
death (and a long civil war) the people and Senate of Rome (S.P.Q.R.)
named me 'Princeps' and 'Augustus'.
I married Scribonia and we had a daughter: my beloved Julilla. Later I
met Livia and fell in love with her. She was already married but we both
divorced and then got married. We did not have children but I adopted her
sons, Tiberius and Drusus.
I died on 19 August 767 A.U.C. and later the Roman Senate made a god out
of me.
And now I (a god!) have to learn the language of my enemies (Quintilius
Varus give me back my legions!)! Shit!
Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)
Hail Caesar, this movie vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.
Sono Pazzi Questi Romani
Ave Imperator! Does the first scene, depicting a battle of the Roman legions against northern Barbarians, appear true to your own experiences as commander and campaigner?
Whilst I understand that you did not live in the times of the Julio-Claudian emperors, do you have any opinion with regards to Satyricon, Caligula, and I, Claudius? From your own education and knowledge of history, are these films similarly slanderous to the memories of Gaius Germanicus, Nero, and Claudius, respectively?
Ave! Did not expect to see you here, I love your speeches in the forum of YouTube.