WE RECEIVED WORD FROM OUR ALLIES THAT THE FEDERATED POLEIS OF AMERIKA PRODUCED A FILM ABOUT OUR BATTLE AT THERMOPYLAI! I HAVE WATCHED THIS FILM CALLED "300" AND IT IS NOTHING BUT RECKLESS SLANDER OF OUR LAWS, OF OUR CITIZENS, AND OF MYSELF! AND ALSO WHERE ARE ALL THE COLOURS!?
FIRST! I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE TITLE OF THIS FILM! I MARCHED OUT WITH ONE THOUSAND SPARTANS AND CALLED ON THE ALLIES TO SUPPLY THREE THOUSAND MORE! ADD THE CENTRAL GREEKS AND THERE WERE MORE THAN SIX THOUSAND OF US AT THE PASS!
WHEN I LED THEM I WAS NOT SOME YOUNG MAN WITHOUT SENSE! I WAS 50 WHEN I BECAME KING AND FOUGHT MY FIRST BATTLE AT THERMOPYLAI TEN YEARS LATER!
OUR VENERATED EPHORS ARE NOT INBRED MONSTERS BUT CITIZENS ELECTED ANNUALLY! THEIR JOB IS NOT RELIGIOUS BUT EXECUTIVE! THERE IS NO ORACLE AT SPARTA! WE SUBMIT OUR QUESTIONS TO THE ORACLE OF APOLLO AT DELPHI, WHERE BY ANCIENT CUSTOM THE PYTHIA IS A CRONE!
IT IS OUTRAGEOUS TO SUGGEST THAT I TOOK PART IN THE GRAVE SACRILEGE OF KILLING THE MESSENGERS OF THE GREAT KING! THIS CURSED ACT MAY POLLUTE OUR STATE, BUT NOT MY HOUSE!
THERE CAN BE NO GREATER INSULT THAN TO IMPLY THAT I MARCHED AGAINST THE WISHES OF THE EPHORS! AS SPARTIATES, OUR MASTER IS THE LAW! I AM VERY UNCOMFORTABLE MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS!
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS BABBLE ABOUT THE "PHALANX"! THIS WORD IS ONLY USED BY THE POETS TO SPEAK OF PRIMITIVE WARBANDS! OUR BATTLE FORMATION IS THE REDOUBTABLE TAXIS!
I NEVER SAID "COME AND GET THEM" AND IT WOULD BE PURE HUBRIS IF I HAD TAUNTED THE GREAT KING IN SUCH A WAY!
HOW DARE THIS MOVIE SUGGEST THAT SPARTANS WOULD FIGHT NAKED LIKE ATHLETES, WHEN IN FACT WE FINED THOSE WHO WENT INTO BATTLE UNPREPARED, EVEN WHEN THEY PERFORMED GREAT DEEDS!?
IT IS AN INTOLERABLE SLANDER TO SUGGEST THAT WE WOULD SUFFER A WOMAN TO ADDRESS OUR COUNCIL OF ELDERS, EVEN ONE AS VENERABLE AS MY NIECE/WIFE!
NO SPARTAN WOULD SPEAK TO A SURVIVOR OF THERMOPYLAI WHEN THE TRUE SPARTANS DIED IN GLORIOUS BATTLE! THE MEN I SENT AWAY WERE SO ASHAMED TO STILL DRAW BREATH THAT THEY KILLED THEMSELVES!
I COULD GO ON AND ON BUT I AM NOT ACCUSTOMED TO MAKING LONG SPEECHES LIKE SOME CHATTERING ATHENIAN! THIS SLANDEROUS ILL-INFORMED ANTI-SPARTAN PROPAGANDA WILL NOT STAND! AND SINCE WE SPARTANS ONCE DECLARED WAR ON ELIS FOR NOT LETTING US TAKE PART IN THE OLYMPIC GAMES, AND ON THEBES BECAUSE THEY WOULD NOT LET MY DESCENDANT SACRIFICE AT AULIS, IT SEEMS FAIR TO TAKE THIS SLIGHT AS A CAUSE FOR WAR! MUSTER YOUR SPEARMEN, FEDERATED POLEIS OF AMERIKA! WE WILL MEET YOU IN THE FIELD!
I AM VERY UNCOMFORTABLE MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS
I never knew that I'd have so much in common with a Spartan king.
Ah, King Leonidas! I had hoped to consult your opinion on ditches...
...
EVEN ONE AS VENERABLE AS MY NIECE/WIFE!
...might this unworthy one trouble Your Majesty to explain further the relation between yourself and Queen Gorgo?
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ADVICE ON SURVIVING BATTLE WITH IMPERIAL WOULD-BE CONQUERORS FROM THE EAST, BY TOUTATIS!?
If I recall correctly, this film also seemed to suggest that love between a boy and his venerable male authority figures might be a shameful act only practiced by "Athenians," instead of a wholesome, patriotic and completely normal stage of any nubile, young lad's education and development.
After all, King u/LEONIDAAAS, didn't the great Lykourgos himself commend such relationships?
WE SPARTANS ONCE DECLARED WAR ON ELIS
Did you declare war on r/ELI5 because you can't explain something to a five year old who has been left to fend for themselves on a mountain?
OUR VENERATED EPHORS ARE NOT INBRED MONSTERS
About that...
MY NIECE/WIFE
Hmmmmm...
Wiki, what do you have to say...?
According to Herodotus, Leonidas' mother was not only his father's wife but also his father's niece
Ahhh... keeping it in the family, I see.
When did this Leonidas who calls himself archagetes become so verbose?
REDOUBTABLE TAXIS! ? what is that formation?
At last! At last, justice comes! The man you're looking for is named ZACK SNYDER, and his movies have thoroughly insulted our heroes Batman and Superman as well. Until I heard your voice, I had thought that justice would never find him, but now, I have hope. Godspeed!
This is fantastic; thank you for continuing with this honored tradition here at r/AskHistorians.
Now, we only need the opinion of u/GeneralMardonios about the Persian representation in the film.
BUT STRATAGOS, DID YOU NOT REPLY TO XERXES IN WRITING "COME AND GET THEM"? OR WAS THIS A FALSEHOOD PERPETRATED BY THE BOEOTIAN POET PLUTARCH?
ALSO WAS IT NOT MERELY 300 SPARTIATES YOU TOOK FROM LACEDAEMON, THE REST BEING PERIOECI AND FILTHY HELOTS?!
What, you didn't even kick them into a well a little bit? It's all good fun. He'll be fine, just fish him out later.
Also, in reference to your flair, what does your outdoor voice sound like?
A Greek, writing in Latin script?
Never.
> HOW DARE THIS MOVIE SUGGEST THAT SPARTANS WOULD FIGHT NAKED LIKE ATHLETES, WHEN IN FACT WE FINED THOSE WHO WENT INTO BATTLE UNPREPARED, EVEN WHEN THEY PERFORMED GREAT DEEDS!?
Wait. Seriously?
Details! Tell me more about the heroes who went into battle unprepared!
Looking forward to Xerxes' review.
Venerable Leonidas, during battle how many times on average do you go into a blood lusted slo-mo killing spree?
Do you need to rest for a couple of minutes in between or does the thought of Xerxes the Persian god emperor desecrating the Spartan homeland give you indefinite energy?
Taking the chance to make the only comment I can make in r/AskHistorians without it getting deleted!
God I fucking love this sub
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE TITLE OF THIS FILM!
It’s pretty straightforward, Leo: on a scale of 1-10 that’s how homoerotic the movie is.
The all caps is great but for full immersion, it needs to be written in boustrophedon.
EVEN ONE AS VENERABLE AS MY NIECE/WIFE!
I fucking lost it. Very good!
What ? Leonidas never said "come and get them" ? What evidence suggests that ?
I COULD GO ON AND ON BUT I AM NOT ACCUSTOMED TO MAKING LONG SPEECHES LIKE SOME CHATTERING ATHENIAN!
What manner of Spartan would go on such a long diatribe in front of the magistrates?
You should have simply tossed a copy of the movie and uttered "MEH."
IT SEEMS FAIR TO TAKE THIS SLIGHT AS A CAUSE FOR WAR! MUSTER YOUR SPEARMEN, FEDERATED POLEIS OF AMERIKA! WE WILL MEET YOU IN THE FIELD!
I don't think this is going to go as well as you think it will...
THERE CAN BE NO GREATER INSULT THAN TO IMPLY THAT I MARCHED AGAINST THE WISHES OF THE EPHORS! AS SPARTIATES, OUR MASTER IS THE LAW! I AM VERY UNCOMFORTABLE MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS!
This made me belly-laugh!
I have a question. I once had a Western History professor have qualms with 300’s accuracy but pointed out that at least the hoplites were within some degree of accuracy. Is this true? What about the depiction of them in the film is actually accurate?
Sir! SIR! This is a Juna's Culina.
Wait, when did Sparta declare war on ELI5? ...oh, Elis.
Hey wait a second, I think I learned something when reading this post.
I read this in the voice of Mr. Torgue and now I am sad Spartan Torgue isn't real.
"Where's the ditch? There's no ditch"
-Leonidas, probably
But how do you feel about freedom?
This hoplite of Texas stands ready for your aggressions. Never shall your hubris set foot here!
Petition to bring Gates of Fire to screen, not this comic book propaganda nonsense!
Yes, but how many Spartans will you take with you this time?
SIR HAVE YOU COME ACROSS A BOOK CALLED GATES OF FIRE BY STEVEN PRESSFIELD? DOES IT DO A BETTER JOB OF PORTRAYING SPARTA AND THE BATTLE OF THERMOPYLAE?
If you think the movie is bad, you really should check out this Hodkinson guy....
WHY ARE WE YELLING
I don't know about the rest of yall but this is great. A history lesson that is tongue in cheek.
Cowboys & Aliens was way more historically accurate.
In other words
THIS IS NOT SPARTA!
If
He’s not shouting. He’s just very enthusiastic.
PERSIA WAS THE REAL LOSER IN THE FILM, APPARENTLY FULL OF SLAVES WHEN THEY OUTLAWED SLAVERY UNLIKE THE GREEK STATES
Bite your thumb this is too long.
Why do you call Xerxes "The Great King"?
Hi, I just want to say I have a comment in /r/AskHistorians.
Beware of Spartans in tennis shoes.
It’s even funnier if you imagine JFK’s voice reading it like a speech.
NOBLE BASILEUS LEONIDAS:
WHILST I DO NOT EXPECT YOU TO OFFER ANY PRAISE TO THE FOREIGN PERSIAN BARBARIANS, WAS THIS FILM ACCURATE IN ITS DEPICTION OF THE FOE? WERE THEIR RANKS FULL OF DEFORMED LEPERS WEARING MASKS? DID THEY USE MONOCERI IN ATTEMPTS TO BREAK THE GREEK LINES? WAS THEIR KING A BALD AND HAIRLESS GIANT WITH MANY GOLD ADORNMENTS, WHO WORE LITTLE ARMOR?
Not very Laconic.
NEITHER DID I EVER DO THE DEED FROM BEHIND
SPARTA IS A PART OF CHINA! THE CCP WILL NOT TOLERATE HISTORICAL REVISIONISM AND THIS FLAGRANT INTERFERENCE IN ITS INTERNAL AFFAIRS!
Now I need to find a way to work 'The Redoubtable Taxis' into a conversation.
Mr Leonidas sir, didn’t your culture give the name to “laconic phrases,” which your people used to sass foreign kings and dignitaries on the regular? So wouldn’t “come and take them” be an appropriate pre-battle sass?
They also characterized the West's oldest known slave society as a bastion of freedom and democracy. :p
Thank you for the laughs and smiles today. I really appreciate it.
If I remember too the movie portrayed the Perisans as oppressive when I believe they were actually more of a democratic nation than Sparta
BUT HOW MANY HAVE YOU KICKED INTO THE PIT OF DEATH?!
I have no clue what’s going on but I am living and breathing for it!
You're like 15 years late, they even made a sequel...
yeah 300 is pretty unrealistic. i much prefer the 100% accurate documentary Meet the Spartans.
It's late at night and I thought I was in /r/ExplainAFilmPlotBadly I got VERY confused
Great King u/LEONIDAAAS,
would you be kind to fact-check this essay for me? It seems to agree with you in many ways.
Thank you in advance, an helot.
Wait, so phalanx wasn't actually a greek word? That's really surprising!
Did you guys speak English in your land as in the movie?
Ha, this is great!
I don't know why, but this really makes me think Judges (as in Judge Dredd) are just spartans in a cyberpunk future.
I second this
TIS ELALHSATE SU OTI TOUTO SPARTA ESTIN?
But what was the weather like? Did you fight in the shade?
Bravo!
Just an excellent copypasta
Imposter, this is too verbose for a son of Laconia.
REDOUBTABLE TAXIS
?
As a modern day descendant of sparta I hold true the words molon labe and I live by them I do also admit when I an wrong and atone for my errors but after the first battle ends in enemy territory I lick my wounds n go back home where I have my beasts and armor and tell myself I needed not be in unknown lands so blindly lesson learned now that being said if the enemy who I unknowingly disrespected decides to follow me back to my lands I will not surrender and i will die defending my lands my people n my beasts all I can say is I may not win but at the same time once its in the flesh less will leave my lands than those who came and I will fall on my own sword before I am taken a slave by any man
Oh great Spartan King, you do not mention it, but I wonder how do you feel about the film's lack of representation of your Helot slaves, and representing women of Spartiate families participating in menial tasks like carrying wool?
standing ovation
I don't know what's going on, but I fully support it.
I care not for your opinion.
Only that of Xeones!
King Leonida, is it not true you sent back 2 messengers? One who was grief-stricken and returned to the battle despite your orders and another who was shamed for returning? So much was his shame I have heard, that he fought with great abandon at Plataeai. However, he was fined amd rebuked for breaking the line multiple times.
CALM DOWN LEONIDAAS! YOU’LL HURT YOUR THROAT YELLING SO MUCH!
Fight me do you even lift?
I just wish it wasn’t all caps, but awesome otherwise.
The Spartans were slavers. I wish you folks would stop bringing them up. They were a trash people.