There have been a few films about me over the years and, to be brutally honest, I’ve been a bit disappointed by them all, and there certainly haven’t been any that, for want of a better phrase, ‘get me’. However, Medraut recommended this one to me, as apparently the filmmakers went to a lot of effort to really capture the reality of my life. He’s a good friend Medraut. Or is it enemy? Well, one of the two. Anyway, I’m sorry to say that King Arthur (2004) is riddled with inaccuracies.

First off, the very title contains an error. I was not, in fact, a king. Or was I? I forget. The film is set in AD 410, but I actually lived in the early sixth century, I think. Speaking of the setting, I was not, as the film suggests, active in the region of Hadrian’s Wall. I was actually fighting battles in Linnius, or possibly Dumnonia, or Alt Clut now I come to think of it? If I’m honest, my memory’s a bit hazy. At the start of the film, the fictional me meets with Bishop Germanus, whose actual visit to Britain took place around 429. And then again 10 years later, unless it was just the one visit? I’m such a scatterbrain. In any case, the central plot of the film revolves around an incursion of Saxons in northern Britain. In reality, Anglo-Saxons did not invade Britain north of Hadrian’s Wall, apart from the ones who did, of course.

One thing the film does get right is portraying me as a cavalry commander. We Britons use a lot of cavalry in battle, possibly. Whereas the Saxons invariably fight on foot, except when they don’t, that is. Another thing they get spot on is by having me as the British leader at the Battle of Badon Hill. That was definitely me. Or was it Ambrosius? Hmm, not sure on that one. You know, sometimes it’s a bit hard to remember the specifics of whether you were in Caerleon in 489 or 513, or whether you actually went to Chester. Or York? I’ll check my diary. Damn! I just remembered I’m an illiterate Celtic chieftain who received a classical Latin education at the school in Corinium. Okay, I’ve checked now, and the battle at Chester took place in 616. At least one did, we might have fought a couple actually. I’ll ask Urien, he’s from that part of the world, or at the very least he might be.

All I’ll say is that films like this are very damaging to my mental health. Sometimes I almost feel like I’m not there…