What are you going to do about these damn Danish raids? They stole my pig!

Hi I am a private investigator. Do you mind if I ask if you are aware of the circumstances of the death of Duke Conan II? I need a few answers for my report.

Edgar the Aetheling is the rightful king of England. How do you justify usurping his throne? Your claim in comparison to that of Harald Godwinson was not that bad, but against Edgar, you had nothing.

Great-grandfather, I am honored to have this opportunity to speak with you. Your example is always before me, and I have vowed, as you did, to see that peace, justice, and rule of law flows from one end of my dominion to the other.

My question for you is that I am having some trouble getting my wife, Eleanor, to behave. She is constantly supporting my sons in rebellion against me, and clearly favors our second son, Richard, over the others. Your wife, Matilda, is the exemplar of English queen ship. Do you have any advice for me?

Hey I'm making this tomb here, would you say you're on the taller side or the shorter side?

Hypothetically, your majesty, if the lords of Europe were to join together to form a confederation - or should I say, a union - would you consider being one of its founding members? And would there be any circumstances in which you would leave said union?

How difficult was it to overcome the language barrier between your Anglo-Saxon subjects and the Norman French of your court? Did you ever make an effort to learn the native tongue yourself?

I am lacking in land and home my liege.

If I vow to you, is it possible, by chance that I may gain land for my family.

And in doing so, may I treat all others terribly for the rest of their generations lives.

Just so long as I and mine are ok.

(sad face)

How come when I grow it's called a "cow" but when you eat it it's called "beef"?

Is English food really worth all the trouble of conquering it?

Did you really have to go so hard on the northerners?

Now that England is in your dynasty's infinitely more capable hands, how powerful do you think an English empire might become generations from now?

So youve conquered England. Why is England not part of Normandy then?

I demand you withdraw your armies and abdicate your illegitimatly held throne immediatly. It was I who King Edward left to protect England from warmongers like you. You are but a pretender to the throne

PS: please remove the arrow from my eye

When you set out to conquer England, how likely did you think you were to succeed, and what would have happened if you lost?

Is it true you have red hair?

Did you or any of your court have any sailing experience prior to your naval assault on England? Did you launch the fleet with any amount of misgiving in regards to the likelihood of success or were you perfectly confident?

Did Harold die a true warrior?

One of my law professors attributed to you (with some bitterness, alas) the foundations of the property law system he was about to teach us in the course. How much of this was you, how much of it was the pre-existing Anglo-Saxon system, and how much actually came after you?

What communications or relations did you have with Guiscard (and Roger) in Southern Italy?

My lord, I am but a humble peasant with no prior experience at arms, but I desire to serve thee on your adventure and make a name for myself. Will you have me?

Did people ever call you a bastard to your face? Under what circumstances?

What is your opinion on the fall of the Soviet Union and why haven’t you intervened to restore order yet?

The hell's this about a doomsday book? Does it mean I don't have to provide labor for my lords land?

How did you become the Duck of Normandy? What happened to all the other ducks?

how did you beat harold in combat?

I am full of sorrows my lord to report that only your name was mentioned in my history textbooks and they seem to have confused the Normans and norsemen.I alerted my tutor and she understood the mistake.i researched your life and it is full of interest.Alas!I have a question to ask you.why the tapestry?

It is well know that while in Normandy, you acknowledged your fealty to the French king (though in England no such acknowledgment was made). Wasn't it an awkward arrangement for one of king Phillip's vassals to be more powerful than he was?

Why do you hate your eldest son, Robert?

You got lucky with Harold, right?

Why are you so Hot my lord?

As a Strathclydian, I wonder if you will leave us in peace or attempt to liberate us from the picts and scots? If so what is your plan to do so and will you allow us autonomy with oaths of non aggression and subjection from us. If not why should we allow you to step even a foot past Hadrains wall?

How sure are you that you picked the right spot for Battle Abbey? Because they’ve found no archaeological evidence that the Battle of Hastings took place there.

Aren't you just another viking invader of England? Just how French or English are you even?

Oh great king, thank you for taking questions, I hope I am not too late to ask something

How funny was your jester?

Sire, seeing as you are a vassal of the King of the Franks, but now a king in your own right, how do you see your relationship with the French King?

What is your least favorite tongue and why is it that rustic backwater language of your Anglo-Saxon subjects?

Would Harald Haardrada have been harder to beat if Harold had fallen at Stamford Bridge? Or would you have welcomed that?

How did your policies and the domesday book hold up in the late medieval era. Was the Englosh realm still fundamentally different from other European fuedal systems or did it fall back in its old ways (in a broad way). Did it remain stable during the 100 years war for example?

What is your favorite track off of manowar - hail to England?

Hey William, if my ancestors were in your army when you took over England, or were otherwise a Norman noble family that came over later, what lands do you think you'd give them?

My lord, I have discovered a new type of plant called a tomato. Would my Lord desire to eat it?

Are you ever going to learn the English (Saxon?) peasants' language?

oh great king how may I a scribe be of service to your magnificence?

Seems fake. Can I get a picture to verify

There seem to be a lot of people here. Are you sure they're paying enough taxes? How would you go about figuring out how much taxes you should be collecting?

Dearest nephew, I congratulate you on your assumption of your rightful kingdom! As a former queen of the English, I say to you that the Anglo-Saxon masses are in desperate need of a strong and civilizing land. Edgar Ætheling can go kick rocks, even if he is my son.

Your beloved Auntie, Queen Emma

Parlez vous français ?

What's that effete skewer you eat your meat with? Why don't you eat with a knife like a real man?

How do you feel about me naming my son William?

Your ancestor Rollo was famously a Viking. Could you tell us to what extent Normans in Normandy of your time consider themselves culturally linked to Vikings versus French culture. How would you describe the distinctive and shared aspects of Norman culture in Normandy compared to these two?

Good day your grace, I would be curious what differences there are between the army you raised to take your kingdom and that of the Frankish kings or his powerful vassals? Any of your thoughts on their organization or equipment would be most welcome.

Hail thee, oh king of England. Just a quick question: how do you picture your funeral and burial?

Can you share your best war story? A personal feat of valor in battle?

EDIT: Your majesty, I ask because of your renown as a great warrior!

What is your wife, Matilda, like? Did you really drag her by her braids to your marriage?

Have you ever considered going on a diet, Mr. Bastard?