Reworking a Tuesday Trivia answer

In three kingdoms history, we get only glimpses into any marriage (often from the male perspective) and the treatment of females, in historiography or at the time was... not great. When one of the moments I find most sweet involving a married couple is when Lady Ding forces a divorce from the warlord Cao Cao and the meeting, in her home, where he accepts it... perhaps says something about the era and romance. Some marriages do have a feel of a partnership from the glimpses we get, there were affairs but little other than they had an affair (and in one case, the affair was with a ghost), a case of "don't make love if warned not to by the doctor" and we do get moments of mourning.

The one that is memorable for me is the Wei philosopher Xun Can and Lady Cao. Xun Can was of a prominent clan, the sixth son of a senior minister Xun Yu. Can was a man who took selective care of who he would befriended, part of the new generation of Daoists who were coming through in a time of intellectual brilliance but which unsettled the old guard. Xun Can was also something of a provocative figure, even among his own family, but his early death and lack of career means the focus has often been on his romance.

Xun Can argued that talent was less important in a woman than beauty, Richard B.Mather suggesting he was parodying the Analects. He arranged a marriage with the beautiful daughter of the brave if miserly general and imperial kinsman Cao Hong. Sadly we know very little about Lady Cao, only of the men in her life and via their perspective. Xun Can certainly doted on his wife, buying beautiful clothes for her and he spent a lot of his time in her chambers.

After several years, she died. A story of her death and Xun Can's attempts to save her is recorded in the A New Account of Tales of the World that appeared by the 5th century. It tells us that she became ill with a fever during the winter so, in a bid to bring her fever down, Xun Can went to the courtyard during the evenings until he became cold then went back inside, holding his cold body against hers. It would not be enough to save her.

Xun Can became depressed and before the funeral, his old friend Fu Gu tried to comfort him that someone with beauty and ability might be difficult to replace but someone of looks could be found to replace her. Xun Can replied (Richard B.Mather translation)

Such a fine person would be difficult ever to find again. When I think back about the departed, though she couldn't be said to posses the unique beauty of an "overthrower of cities", still it isn't easy to expirence her loss and my pain and sorry can know no end.

Xun Can would not recover, mourning for a year before dying at the age of 29 around 236/37 CE, one wonders if his efforts to save his wife contributed to his early death. Only a few friends and those passing by during the funeral mourned, it seems some members of his family did not come while his reputation took a hit for his devotion to his wife and lack of restraint in dealing with her death.

Hopefully someone can provide a less tragic tale but I do find it memorable, his attempts to save her and his mourning even as his friends failed to understand why he was feeling that way.

Sources:

Xun Xu and the Politics of Precision by Howard Goodman

A New Account of Tales of the World (Shih-shuo Hsin-yü) by Richard B.Mather

Can Zhuan by He Shao